I wonder if she is right. Am I going through a transition? Or am I just getting a jump start on my mid-life crisis. It’s hard to tell. For many years, I have experienced the same nagging feeling most people get: Am I doing what I am supposed to do to be happy?

I suppose I am luckier than many. My bills are manageable. I don’t have a family to support. And my cats seem pretty content. In other words, I am single. This means that I have the capability of spinning on my heels without pulling others down with me (except the cats). Also, I have a unique opportunity in my possession. I wont say anything about that here, though.

What grieves me most now is my job. Don’t get me wrong. The job has it’s good points. I don’t have to sell anything and I get to do something I am good at. I just hate that it’s in retail, subject to retail scheduling and retail goals. Are we making the numbers? Sorry, but you can’t take a vacation from October to the end of December. 1/4 quarter of the year is blacked out because people will need to fulfill their consumer wants.

The numbers game can never be won. Hey! you beat the goal. Guess what? We are going to raise it. Or too bad, you didn’t meet the goal so you get shafted in some way. Somehow those numbers are my responsibility and measure my success. Sorry, but I don’t measure success that way. I measure it in my relationships with customers. I measure my success in their success. The numbers are just easy ways to quantify things that can’t be easily summed up in words.

So a job change is definitely in order. The beauty is that I don’t need another full-time gig. I just need something that gets me out of retail. Also, something that is part-time would be great. This would give me time to work on other things important to me. Art. The pursuit of knowledge. Writing. Happiness. Sex. Love. (not in any particular order)

It’s an exciting time that will require me to screw up a huge amount of courage. Not only am I adjusting my employment perspective, but I am endeavoring to swing my spiritual and physical perspectives in alignment. Oh boy! did I just write an eyeful. But you did read it right.

Until recently, my alarm was set according to how narrow a window was needed to prepare for work. The rhythm of my day was set according to my clock-in/clock-out times. It was a bad focus. I did less with my evening hours and had no time to do anything with my morning hours. In other words, my day was defined by my job. I allowed my job to define who I am. Wow. The pretty much sucks.

I have taken that under control to a degree. I now wake early enough to get a walk in and eat breakfast before work. Instead of spending my evening watching the great big idiot box, I write and work on design projects. It’s amazing how a subtle change like a morning walk can have a huge impact. It fulfills both the spiritual (to a degree) and physical needs.

I am thirty pounds over weight. The walking helps me to drop weight. I will never again have my high school form, but at least I wont be huffing and puffing during sex. As Kevin Spacey said in American Beauty, “I just want to look good naked.” That will also have a huge impact on self-esteem.

The real challenge is my spiritual self. No, I am not looking to find Jesus, be born again, or open my third eye. What I am looking for is a better integration of experience, sensation, and self. Earlier, I mentioned my daily rhythm: wake, walk, shower, eat, work, eat, creative acts, shower, bed. Rhythm is a huge part of living. We survive because of rhythms. Rhythms determine hunger and sleep. Rhythms are found in our footsteps, breathing, and heart beat. It’s fundamental to existence. By being aware of my daily pattern, I am more able to manage it’s changes and consistency. This means, I hope, that I will be better able to feel the subtleties of the the day.

Also toward my spiritual ends, I want to re-embark on my erotic studies. This has always been the song in my heart. If there is such a thing. Since I was a child, I have been fascinated by human sexuality. During school I was drawn to it and likewise, it was drawn to me. My graduate studies found me drawn to people that placed a philosophical imperative on human sexuality and eros. And recently, I have gotten back in to ecstatic experiences (see Transactions: 2 of 2 Delilah pt.2 and Kinky Carnival.

It’s a long road ahead. That I am sure of. But It will be a worthwhile journey. The site will see a renovation. I am going to trim out the dead weight entries and focus the content on my journey and art. So keep coming back for updates.