A friend asked me if I had been back to Delilah after the session I discussed in earlier posts. [post 1, post 2, post 3, and post 4] The answer is yes. I went back to Delilah twice and might still be visiting her if I hadn’t become aware of a change in me. The change has nothing to do with morality or awareness of exploitation or any other thing that might breed guilt and shame. I had two reasons for not returning to Delilah. One practical and easy. The other emotional and very messy.
I’ll get to the practical reason immediately. Time with Delilah is expensive. Worth every penny, but expensive. Quitting my job and running out of the funds I set aside for time with Delilah played a big role in my decision. However, I have to say that money wasn’t playing the largest part in my decision.
After my second session with Delilah, I noticed that she lingered on my mind. More than I expected. More over, I noticed a shift in my attitude toward our sessions. I wasn’t content with being a passive receiver of her attention and energy. I wanted to reciprocate. If that wasn’t bad enough, I was getting interested in her personally. The combination of these things just make for a bad situation between people who exchange pleasure for money.
Delilah’s methods place her in control of the session. When she says,”I am here for you,” she means that she is able to maintain her composure by focusing the entire session on her clients needs. This alleviates the client from feeling obligated to reciprocate the pleasure received. More importantly, the client is being gently told that any attempts to try to precipitate the session into sex will be rebuffed. Ultimately, the client may lose all privileges with Delilah if he (or she) persists. Delilah wanted to be sure all touch from her clients had an open agenda that led back to the client’s needs and not to a fantasy concocted by the client.
If Delilah was purely a sex worker who only exchanged pleasure for money and didn’t have a spiritual component to her intentions, then objectifying her would be easy. More importantly, I would have lost interest in her quickly. Delilah as an object is a novelty. Delilah as a person, on the other hand, is a real interest. The problem comes from the situation that the interest evolved in. There can be no personal relationship between client and provider. It can cause so many other issues and lead to misappropriated emotions.
The second and third sessions followed the formula of the first session: greeting – bath – massage – release – relax – shower – exit. The main difference is that Delilah and I conversed more and there was less spiritual exposition. We just relaxed into the pattern and remarked on the subtle differences. We played more and attempted to do some things less.
During the second session while we relaxed I was stretch out on my back and Delilah lay with her leg hooked over my hips and an arm across my chest. I stared sedately at the ceiling while taking note of the small her back and her left cheek with my hand. Delilah remarked about how good we looked in the mirror. I rolled my head to look in the mirror. It was pleasing to see her draped over me like a blanket. I commented that this moment would make a beautiful photo.
The third session was even more relaxed. Delilah asked me what my intentions for the session would be. I said ‘fun’. I just wanted to have fun with her. I wanted to let her not worry about catering to me. Fun we had. There was more play in all areas. Delilah nipped and licked at my lips. We giggled and lolled. There were touches that under different intentions may have be inappropriate, but at this time were funny. She thanked me for letting her have fun. Seeing her enjoy my company was a boost to my ego and lightened my spirit. It was my pleasure.
Between and during these sessions I had questions to ask and comments to make. All of them were leading. Leading in the sense that I would have directed her thoughts to taking me as a lover. Questions like, “Have you ever taken a client as a lover?” Comments like, “Your lover(s) must be something special.” The questions and comments were more or less pleas from a weak ego. It would have been better to just say what was on my mind. Instead, I never opened my mouth. I kept my own counsel. I knew that making those comments could have serious repercussions.
I don’t think Delilah can afford to be anything but honest in the face of those types of remarks. They clearly say that the person’s intentions are now more complicated than just seeking a little human comfort and pleasure. The client now wants a relationship that extends beyond the confines of her sanctuary. It’d be better to cut that client loose than to try to play to their ego for the sake of business. That’s a losing game anyway.
Before the third session, I was already thinking about how I would face my problem. It occurred to me that the client/provider relationship is only doable so long as the confines and rules of the sanctuary are respected. Any attempt to have a relationship outside of that framework would have problems. In the end, I decided that I had tallied up some great memories with Delilah. Returning would only weaken my ability to keep the leading questions quiet. That would have put Delilah in the distasteful position of asking me not to return.
If I am lucky, I’ll cross paths with her in the world outside of her sanctuary. Maybe we can strike up a friendship and start from there.
