Yesterday was a cathartic day. First let me recount the events and then I tell you why it was cathartic.
My day job is pretty routine. I repair computers. The company I work for has a big contract that I administrate. Part of my duties is deliver and pickup computers to and from the customer’s various locations. At minimum, a quarter of my day is spent running around. Some days it’s frustrating dealing with other drivers, but most days it’s relaxing and uneventful. The exception was yesterday.
There is a tricky part to my return route to the repair shop. I merge onto a main artery from the left side of a two lane one-way street. Because of a right turn I need to make, I usually move over to the right lane as soon as possible. To complicate things, both sides of this street has parking and the left lane is particularly narrow.
Yesterday, I started to merge. In the right lane were three cars that paced me. I would have needed to stop to merge into the right lane. So I sped up to get ahead of the first car. I was nearly neck and neck anyways. However, the driver of Car 1 decided to accelerate, too.
Moreover, it looked like Car 1 wanted to move to the left lane. I noticed this because his front fender was dangerously close to mine and getting closer. Even if I fell back quickly, I still might have caused an accident with the drivers behind me. So I did the only thing available to me. I honked my horn.
Car 1′s driver was startled. He veered quickly to the right of the street. Then he veered quickly back toward me. In the few moments that it took for that manuever, he had rolled his window down and was flying the bird and shouting obscenities at me out of his window. I could see an earbud hanging out of his ear, too. Car 1 wasn’t paying attention to his driving.
I downshifted quickly, accelerated far ahead of him, and made the lane change I wanted to make. At the next red light, I took a moment to see where he was – left lane. I was furious and wanted to shout a few obscenities at him, myself. With a flick of a switch, my window rolled down. When Car 1 rolled pass, I could see that he was still swearing up a storm and making gestures. I put my hand out the window and waved for him to pull back along side me.
He gets out of his car. That’s right. His vehicle is running and he gets out of his car. Up to this point, I have had a near collision and angry exchanges with another car. At this moment, the exchange becomes a genuine confrontation. I stay in my car. Cowardly or smart? I am still not certain. I knew though, that getting out would mean that our argument would become physical. I also knew that if he reached into my car, I would have the upper hand. Neither happened. Instead, we spent the red light shouting at each other. When it turned green, I pulled away and returned to work feeling oddly happy and relieved.
What a strange way to end an intense emotional event – relieved. It didn’t take me too long to figure out why. For that past few days, I was in a deep blue funk. The type of funk that, if unchecked, leads to real depression. For me, the deep blue funk comes on because I have let several things go fallow or out of my control. The loss of focus and apparent control can be immobilizing. When I feel immobilized, I end up falling into despair. The real kind. Not the lip service despair that some people fain.
For me to move forward, I have to get out of my own way. This usually means that I start sorting the piles of projects and emotional attachments to see which are fruitless and taxing. Ditch the detritus and then start plugging away again at the worthwhile endeavors. It takes ignoring the voice that says my efforts are hopeless and being a force of nature unto myself.
Yesterday was different, though. I was able to focus all of the frustration and brooding from the days before and unleash it on a deserving person. It came out of me like dragon fire. I spat every desperate painful emotion onto a stranger. His thoughtless driving lit a short fuse that most people never see. And in the span of a few blocks, I was able to explode releasing all of the pain. By the time I pulled into the parking lot, I was laughing. I owe the driver of Car 1 thanks.
